apparently the secret to your success is patron
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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