Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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