I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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