He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
