I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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