booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
