It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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