dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
