Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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