I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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