My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
