K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
