You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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