I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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