i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
