Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
