i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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