I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
