I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
BRING THE BAGELS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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