Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
