Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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