Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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