I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
