i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
