just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
