I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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