just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
