I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
