if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
