The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We are two peas in an std pod
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
