Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
