I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
