Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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