saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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