If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
being pregnant is like rehab
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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