Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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