There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
try to milk me bitch
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
