I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
