i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
