my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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