I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I color on your dick again?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
