So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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