You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
