I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
