My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Is it because I queefed?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
