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His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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