I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
