dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
