It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
