i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
