I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
