I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
why does every cop we meet know your name?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
